Top Ten Metal Albums of 2013

No, I don't actually have a top 10. The main reason why is because I never keep up with that shit. I'm still trying to buy albums from bands that have been around forever. Did you know I don't have Screaming for Vengeance on vinyl?? WHAT THE FUCK??? Plus I've had my head up Roky Erickson's ass lately as well as dancing in my underwear to a LOT of Earth, Wind, and Fire that finding and buying new albums just seems like a lot of work. So instead, I'm going to list Loudwire's Top 10 Metal Albums of 2013 (you can find the list here http://loudwire.com/best-metal-albums-2013/).

10. Queensryche - "Queensryche" - The name and title kind of rolls off the tongue like saying "Sirhan Sirhan". Did you know there are two incarnations of these assholes? Two. I wonder how the brainstorm session went when trying to name this album. "You know Geoff is doing his own Queensryche band guys. So to let people know that we're the actual Queensryche, let's name the album Queensryche so then everyone will Queensryche our Queensryche and jerk off in our Queensryche." I don't own this album nor have I listened to it. I'm going to assume there are guitars and some sort of vocals on it.

9. Ihsahn - "Das Seelenbrechen" - I saw Ihsahn at MDF 2013 and was hoping he'd play some old Emperor stuff. About halfway through the set I realized he wasn't going to do any of that shit so I went back over to watch Revenge. I think "Das Seelenbrechen" means "The Celebration" and I guess I could look it up online through Google translate but I'm much too lazy for that. The last Ihsahn album I heard had a saxophone on it. A saxophone. I'm not sure how long ago that was but it was awful. I broke my streak of not listening to Ihsahn at MDF and I haven't been able to get the stench off me since. 

8. Kylesa - "Ultraviolet" - Kylesa has some cool tunes. There's that one song with that riff that goes "chum chum che chugg chum chum". I like their first two albums actually. According to Wikipedia they have four more! Holy shit! Where have I been? Not paying attention obviously. Good for you, Kylesa. Keep up the good work. I'm going to have to listen to your new shit one of these days. Dammit. Now that "chum chum che chugg chum chum" riff is stuck in my head.

7. Motorhead - "Aftershock" - I love Motorhead and anyone who doesn't like Motorhead can eat a poopsicle (that's poop you put a wooden stick in and then freeze it - it's a delicacy in Pomona, CA). I don't own this album but I'm glad to say that I HAVE heard it and find it wonderfully stimulating. Even thinking about it makes my nips tingle just a tiny bit...also my taint. I really need to buy this album. I've been slacking on my Motorhead. 

6. Dream Theater - "Dream Theater" - What the fuck? Another self-titled album. Get over yourselves assholes! I'm not going to be bothered adding anymore words to this one.

BALLS!

5. Black Sabbath - "13" - Black Sabbath were originators of heavy metal and inspired millions of kids all over the world to play and write dark, heavy music. This album is only "ok" though. Nothing stood out for me but there are some solid riffs and Ozzy doesn't sound half bad. I don't really have anything funny or bad to say about this one so I'll leave it there.

BALLS!!

4. Deafheaven - "Sunbather" - I have no fucking clue who these guys are. Since I always judge a book by its cover, I looked up pictures of them and they look like rather clean cut chaps who like a good rogering now and then. Now, let's go look up what they sound like..."post-rock, shoegaze and black metal". Two of those terms don't match with the other. I'm going to leave this one alone for right now because I feel rage boiling up.

3. The Ocean - Pelagial - Who? Next.

2. Ghost B.C. - Infestestumfvuvemdmuememmnn - I like Ghost. I like their demo, I like the first album, and the EP of cover tunes is pretty good. This album is one that's "ok" for me. The song "Year Zero" dominates and is the best track which mixes stuff from their first album and progresses it a bit. Lots of people started to hate Ghost after this album came out. I guess they wanted to look cool to the people who hated them from the beginning because this album really isn't that much of a diversion from the first one. Oh well.

1. Gorguts - "Colored Sands - I don't like technical death metal. I like my death metal simple, bludgeoning, and cavemanesque. The Gorguts crew are talented as fuck but I've tried to listen to them many times over the years and they never hooked me. Apparently they're making a comeback with this album and going on tour with Carcass and some other meaningless bands so good for them. I hope they make lots of money, new fans, and maybe eventually write a catchy song for once.

If you're a fan of all these bands or the bands themselves, feel free to send your hate mail to someone who cares.

The end. 

Blood: Go Real or Go Home?

Recently I came across a post on a social media website in which a person who had seen a recent Gravehill show said that “fake blood is for pussies.” Now usually I let stuff like this slide by because as a musician who plays in front of people, records albums, and tours every now and then, I understand that not everyone likes my band. That was hard for me to accept when first beginning my musical journey so many years ago but that’s the reality. You can’t please everyone and if you let criticism get to you; being an artist may not be a wise career choice.

But why does this comment stretch my panties up into a tight thong-like piece of floss wedged up into my ass? Is it because the person who said it loves Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie? No, people listen to what they listen to. I don’t have a problem with that. Is it the outright hypocrisy of the comment when both Manson and Zombie have both used fake blood in their live shows? If I turned the question around and asked her if her favorite artists are pussies, how would she respond? And that’s the position I was in as I gazed at a dim digital photo of Mike (Gravehill vocalist) covered in fake blood. I stared at this comment, scratched my head, and pondered for several minutes whether to reply.


You see, Gravehill isn’t concerned with pleasing the *kvlt masses or even those who think they’re part of that scene.  We’ve been in the shit for a long time and have had to contend with that crowd for years. The blood we use is for entertainment and pay homage to the greats who came before us. Old Slayer, Bathory, Alice Cooper, KISS, W.A.S.P., King Diamond, etc… It’s even in tribute to horror movies and how they have entertained us for years.

Man, what a pussy!!

We have played and done short tours with some great fucking bands who did use real animal blood as part of their performance but that’s their thing. That’s their gimmick; not ours. They’re trying to project a certain image (and smell) into their live performance and it plays well with the kvlt crowd who take that shit seriously. I even used the real blood at a show just to see how it was. You know what? It sucked! Not only did I sweat most of it off before the second song was done, but I smelled like a dead fucking animal afterwards. I smell bad enough after playing live, sweating my ass off, and then loading gear and driving 12 hours to the next show without a shower. Throw real blood into the mix and that tightly packed van/suv smells like Vernon, California.


In the end, Gravehill plays a combination of death/thrash/black metal and we want to entertain. If you see us and the only thing you can think of is, “fake blood is for pussies” then you just don’t get it and you never will. You’re too caught up in your own niche kvlt world to appreciate why we use fake blood in the first place. We’re not here to impress or grandstand; we just want to rock. If you can’t handle that, go back to the bar, stand there with your arms crossed and stick your nose up in the air with the rest of your useless peers.

Oh, and I never replied to the photo. I decided to write and whine about it here!