Office Etiquette and Life: Part 2

Now that I was officially in the "corporate" world, I had to adjust.

Technically I had never worked at a desk job before. Sure, my last year in the Army had me sitting behind a desk doing Admin duties for my infantry company, but it was still like night and day. Take the following conversations:

In the Army:
Private Schmoe: Sergeant Bumby, can I get a pass to go to sick call?
Sergeant Bumby: No, go fuck yourself!

In the Corporate World:
Dan Schmoe: Hey Jason, can I get an update on those medical industry records?
Jason Bumby: Sure! No problem!

or this

In the Army:
Sergeant Schmoe: Hey Sergeant Bumby, I'm submitting this recommendation for award. Can you write up some achievements and get the commander to sign?
Sergeant Bumby: When I have time. Get lost.

In the Corporate World:
Sheila Schmoe: Hi Jason! I'm submitting this form to be completed. Can you review, fill it out and submit for a corporate signature?
Jason Bumby: Sure! No problem!

See the difference? I can't tell people to "fuck off" in the corporate world because I can get fired and wind up sleeping in a personalized garbage can I killed a bum for. In the Army, they'd just send you back to a regular line platoon. No matter what you did, you were still in the Army. So getting over my initial reaction to various corporate requests required an immense amount of willpower to hold my tongue, plaster on a fake smile, and say "Sure! No problem!"

Office Etiquette Rule 1: Do not tell people to "fuck off" no matter how much you think they deserve it. The only exception to this rule is if you just won the lottery.

To be continued...

Office Etiquette and Life: Part 1

This is just some observations on my introduction into corporate office life and adjusting to it. But first, a bit of history. I start off from when I left the Army. Please, enjoy!

I officially entered the corporate world in February of 2002. After having been on what is called "terminal leave" for about 2 months (November 31, 2001 - January 31, 2002) and living in California mooching off my last two paychecks from the government, the time came to get a job.

Let me just say that those 2 months were some of the best I've ever had. My roommate was jobless and was living off the government's checks as well! Except it was called "unemployment" instead of "terminal leave." Anyway, those days were spent in Los Angeles, Long Beach, Hollywood, Santa Monica, cruising the town and being perpetual bums with a little extra cash in our pockets. Nights consisted of LOTS of online PC gaming and we would stay up till the wee hours of the morning killing each other or other people.

But the time came where we both knew that my credit card couldn't feed us forever. We had enough money pooled to pay for one more month of rent. My last military paycheck had just been deposited and I knew unemployment alone couldn't pay for my extravagant lifestyle. The thought of buying cheap, 99 cent toilet paper made my sphincter pucker. Jason (no, I'm not referring to myself in the third-person, his name is Jason, jeeeez) and I hit the wanted sections in the newspaper and online. We hoofed it to several different job opportunities, but most were scams. One of the earlier jobs he and I interviewed for was door-to-door salesman - except we didn't know it was door-to-door until the day we showed up for our supposed "2nd round" of interviews. Hoofing it around town to local ghetto's, knocking on people's doors, and meeting the disdain of said occupants put me off. How could I do a job like this when I empathized with the poor people we were annoying? I wanted to kick my own ass for knocking on those doors!

Anyway, I was desperate. I always got the impression that Jason wasn't that desperate. Afterall he still had an unemployment and disability check coming in from the VA. You see Jason was hit in the head several times during his military stint which caused severe retardation. Curiously enough, the government only said he was 30% percent disabled which makes you wonder about the people who get full disability. They must be vegetables! I kid of course. Jason isn't that much of a tard. But he did manage to get a job first through a temp agency and wound up in the mail room of a pretty large corporation. I think this was when he realized he was truly mentally deficient because he started complaining that a monkey with a cigar and top hat could do what he did. I was inspired of course and immediately applied at the temp agency he sneaked through. A week later, I wound up at the same company as he, except I was in some admin position and the douche was bringing ME the mail. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh man, he is going to be so pissed when he reads this.

To be continued...

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 6

Good news today in my little world! Brett (no not Brett Michaels) and I finally finished "3 Days"! Yay! I got mail! I got mail! Yaaaaaayyy!

Got sidetracked there. Anyway, he has been busy printing out copies and I'm hoping to jack the bunch at the end of the week. I imagine a number of crew members and the actors will be surprised to hear from me after so long. Or they've forgotten all about it. Either way I'll be hitting them up for addresses so I can get these suckers mailed out.

Oh! We did a pretty cool "commentary" track that is pretty funny. I think that's the best part of the flick! Kidding of course. Maybe.

So where to go from here? Well, this is a perfect excuse to hold a party and get totally slooshed of course. For the flick itself, who knows. Maybe I'll post it up on some Internet sites or try to enter it into some low key festivals. Personally, I'm my own worst critic, so if I put it out to the masses and they critique it badly, then that's validation of me being my own worst critic. You dig? Why should I have people point out the bad things that I already know are there? Ick. I guess that's the nature of the biz though, so that's probably the direction I'll be headed.

Overall, for a first real project, I'm very proud of "3 Days". If/when I do another one of these suckers, I'm definitely putting out a timeline and more organization for post-production. We were so on it for pre and prod that post seemed like a cake walk. I was so naive. Sigh. Those were such innocent days...a year and a half ago.

In the Works: Abigail Screenplay Part 2

Just a little quick update on the progress of Abigail.

First is the conceptual art which is absolutely evil and chilling. I believe the artist's name is Mario, but check out Joel Wear's blog for more info. I'm posting it here so you can be just as "wowed" as I am. This pic is frickin' metal!!

Second, Joel has been busy setting up and incorporating his production company Exemplar Films. I'm proud to be a part of this and see exciting things for the future. Check out the Exemplar Films forums that have just been set-up http://exemplarfilms.21.forumer.com/

I am continuing to write and have been focusing on "The 7th Day of July 1777" section of the script and rearranging and changing certain elements. Page count hasn't really increased or decreased because of some of the rewrites so I'm still around 70 to 74 pages of script. My goal is to have a first draft completed by the end of February, but in all actuality, it will probably be earlier. I've been a bit delayed because of work commitments and putting the last finishing touches on my short film. But I am writing, the pages just aren't being chugged out like a printing press.

I know! Excuses excuses! As a wise man once said "Excuses are like assholes. Everybody has one." Hah!

In the Works: Fratricide Demo Part 2

Okay, so things are progressing nicely with our little pet Black Metal project, Fratricide.

For being a soldier from Hell, Hellfire is really not such a douche afterall. He paid for half of my plane ticket to fly out to Ohio for a preliminary jam session to nail down song arrangements and whatnot on March 16th.

By "whatnot" I mean we will also be dressing up again in our evil garb and shooting new, professional photos. I'm kinda nostalgic for it actually. When we shot our older pics out in the woods back in Texas, I remember trying to put my make-up on in the car on the way there. I would have felt gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) if it weren't for the spikes, black outfits, and leather chaps. Hah!

They've been jamming at a good pace up north by beefing up some of the arrangements and continuing to persevere despite the bad quality of the demo stuff and my illegible tablature. HF mentioned that he filmed the last practice as they played Prayers for an Apocalypse and Bastards of the Battlefield. I'm very anxious to see this material.

Turns out that Fratricide is on http://www.metal-archives.com/

This was a surprise but I guess it shouldn't be. Afterall, we've been sneaking and lurking around the Internet for quite a while now in one form or another. Frankly I thought we were too kvlt to be on there, but apparently not. We were labeled as "Melodic Black Metal" but I'm not exactly sure if I'm too keen on that. I guess I should just be honored someone thought to upload our profile onto the website. The funniest part is that whoever put us up there, stuck our lazy, drunk pic up while we were chilling on the couch with beers. Hilarious!

Okay, I'm out for now. Keep the horns up!

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 5

Anyway, audio proceeded at a horribly languid pace. 2006 stretched on and Brett and I would find some time to get together and do foley work or tweak certain clips of sound that didn’t come out right. Eventually, near the middle of 2006, we had finished. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good.

I forgot to mention that during this time we had met this girl who wanted to score 3 Days. We immediately brought her in, had several meetings and she produced some fine work for us based on the completed footage we had. Once we were completely done with the audio work, she would finalize the score. She was 3/4 of the way done when she dropped the bomb on Brett and I that she was dropping out of college and moving out of country. Brett and I scrambled. What we had from her was great but it was incomplete. She promised to get us something before she left but on the day she was actually flying out, she reveals some technical problem she encountered but never called to inform either of us of it! Brett gave her his home address and she promised to send the completed tracks via FedEx, but after a few emails of her promises, she eventually dropped off the radar and we never heard from her again.

At the end of the summer, Brett and I were down. Our first real short film had finished production in May of 2005 and already we were over a year in post. We put feelers out for more people who might be interested in scoring. One guy replied but after several attempts to schedule meetings with him, we eventually gave up after he flaked.

I believe in the fall of 2006, I went to a metal show and saw the progressive metal band, Prymary play. Expert musicians and professionals, Chris the drummer actually put me in contact with Vince many moons ago so we all had a relationship with each other. Watching the band’s keyboardist, Smiley Sean weave his magic on stage with these fantastic musical lines, I decided I would ask him for some help. Smiley jumped at the chance. Coincidentally enough, he was/is in school for film scoring so this was a perfect opportunity! And Smiley didn’t bullshit either. This guy got us something within a week. Brett and I were nothing but smiles when we heard it. Vastly different from the previous temporary score, Smiley gave us something that you could tell he had put thought and time into. After asking for one small addition to the score, Smiley had officially completed and scored 3 Days!!

Currently, 3 Days has been in post production for over a year and a half. Quite a long time for a 13-minute short film. Brett is now doing some last minute tweaking and once he’s done, I’ll review and put my seal of approval on it. Keep your eyes and ears out and hold on to your wigs and keys! 3 Days will be out very soon! I don’t promise anything extravagant or some auteur piece, but I’m happy with what we have and I hope when we finally get it packaged and sent out, you will enjoy it as well!

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 4

Having a definite set schedule for preproduction and production, I made the decision that we would take our time on post. Brett and I needed some breathing space. I think we both got frustrated with each other a couple of times during production but his professional work ethic held him back and me as well. That's to be expected and I have the utmost respect for this guy. Especially after lugging around a steadi-cam for hours on end with no support. That thing plus the camera and small monitors was a bitch to hold. So we took a break for about 2-3 weeks.

When we got back in touch to start editing, it was really at a casual pace. There were some transition shots and other 2nd unit stuff that we realized we needed so we worked on those for a while. Some footage we had just didn't work. That was particularly frustrating to me because I was so sure of them but here they were, on screen and they just were not working. We had to beef up the editing. The acting was fine. I was pleased with Jim and Kass's performances, it was my shots that, if I had the time, I would have gone back and redone. Because I wanted to be unconventional and go back to the classic long shot scenes of Hitchcock and other greats, our editing became limited. Editing lasted for months as we continuously went back and tried to insert other shots and retool some scenes. In early 2006 we were finally satisfied that whatever could have been done in editing had been done (with the tools available to us).

Next came audio. By this point, both Brett and my schedules were filling up with other things. I was working on scripts and started collaborating on other projects. 3 Days, our little short film kind of fell to the wayside. Kass, our star would drop emails inquiring about the status and most of the time I had nothing to tell her and I felt bad (still do). She was/is just getting started as an actor and needed my film for her resume. If she ever reads this, I hope she will forgive me. Off the cuff, she was our last actor to audition for that role when we were in Hollywood. All of the other female actors were fine, but nothing stood out. Then Kass got up there and nailed it. After she left, Bert and I looked at each other and said "She's the one." Jim, our male actor, nailed his part as well. But his credits are long and he was very experienced so I think he knew what he was getting into from the beginning.

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 3

Day 1 of 2 of production was exciting. All scenes were inside a home and air condition was thankfully available. This was the end of May 2005 and already the temperature outside in Southern California was in the 90s. Production proceeded at a steady pace and the whole day's filming took approx. 10 hours. That night consisted of setting up a garage to look like a basement. Day 2 would be our biggest challenge.

Day 2 of 2 of production was significantly different from Day 1. For one, we were dealing with with more specialized make-up effects in a garage that was increasingly getting warmer as the sun rose higher into the sky. Not that the two have anything to do with each other, but still. The garage did have a small window air conditioner but because of the mic used and sound, it was never on for more than 5-10 minutes, barely cooling anything off.

Second was that I was sick. It wasn't viral or an infection, it was nerves. My mind was a flurry of activity and there was a small part of me that was saying "Call it off. Schedule another time. You can't do this while your sick." But I stayed true. I'd lie down when I could and between scene set-ups I'd go around the side of the house and vomit. In the late afternoon, Eleanor, our make-up/sfx artist, was ready to do the "money" shot scene. Where our heroine rips her hand out of a pair of hand-cuffs only to have her skin pulled back in grisly fashion. Really killer stuff. Eleanor and her assistant, Kelly frickin' rocked and I was so glad to have them there. It was at this time I started really feeling better actually. Maybe I was stressing out about that scene the whole time. Who knows.

Day 2 was hard and we didn't get half the shots that I wanted. Already 12 hours into shooting and the daylight fading, we grabbed some audio from the actors and some quick 2nd unit stuff and wrapped it.

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 2

The script itself was refined and cut down from 20 pages with several actors to around 12 pages with 2 actors. Official preproduction began around February of 2005. A small budget was being formed, script breakdowns were happening, and the search for crew began. With a small crew established, the script breakdown and budget complete, we decided on production dates which would take place on one weekend.

After this, it was time to bring in our actors. Bert Rotundo helped us in casting. A funny talented guy who had the patience and endurance to persevere through the filming of POI, I stayed in contact with him for several reasons. One, is because he's just an all around stand up guy who works hard and loves what he does. He is reliable, charismatic, and funny. Two, he is experienced with the acting scene and has the IMDB credits to back it up which prompted me to contact him to help out in the search for the actors we needed. First we had to push through hundreds of headshots I received through a casting website. More people than I thought applied for the roles of abused woman and disturbed crazy guy. Bert actually drove from Los Angeles to my dump out in Redlands to help me sort through all of these people, cull the herd, and place calls to the people we thought would be interesting. Since I had already rented a place for a couple of hours in Hollywood for auditions, calling and setting up audition appointments was cake.

The auditions themselves went rather smooth and Bert was invaluable in helping stage and direct scenes as a casting director for my little film. Our fantastic production designer, Jo Ann Avila played opposite of all of these actors, reading lines and playing off their mood. Jo Ann has this incredible sense of style and knows interior design which made her perfect for that position. She also coordinated 95% of the catering which rocked. I digress a bit, this audition would also be the first time I would encounter trouble with potential crew members. I won't go into the drama of it all, but it was a valuable experience and one that tested my skills as a leader and boss.

In the Works: 3 Days Short Film Part 1

I had worked previously with Cinematographer, Brett Coble on an independent film called Port of Indecision (POI). POI was a good experience despite several setbacks and mishaps that were encountered. All in all, a great learning experience. The Director, Vince Johnson is a man with the gift for gab. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to an eskimo (stole that one from Tommy Boy). Though I had never seen firsthand Vince's directing skills, watching him work as a producer was magic. Unfortunately, POI eventually failed (I think primarily due to inexperience) and what was filmed still lies archived somewhere in Brett's computer area. There is some funny stuff in there and one of these days I'm sure we can splice something together to watch and laugh at.

After POI fell through, Vince ran on more hard times and had to move up to Northern California. This left Brett and I. Several months passed where I don't think Brett and I even talked. But then an idea started forming way back in the fall of 2004. A short film in one location with 2 actors on the cheap. I was going to learn from the mistakes that I saw being made on POI and create something. Brett had the gear and I had a script.

In the Works: Fratricide Demo

There once were two metalheads who met by chance in the military. Both were into death and black metal and both were relieved that there were other "heads" in the Army. Being surrounded by constant barrages of rap, hip-hop, r&b, country music, and shitty alternative rock, it's a wonder that neither of these two individuals committed "fratricide" on their fellow soldiers during this time period.

Fratricide is the black metal brainchild of Rob Gaines (aka Hellfire Helviti) and moi (Coaxial "Coax" Helviti). In all actuality, it was Rob's idea. His experience ranged from great vocal prowess in several Ohio death metal groups as well as some good guitar abilities. He knew I played guitar and approached me one evening about starting a black metal "group." Starting any kind of band while serving in the military is virtually impossible so our "group" pretty much consisted of he and I. It was his idea to create this fantastic militaristic image of black SWAT fatigues complete with name tapes of the group and our respective stage names. But his most original idea was changing the traditional corpse paint of standard black metal fair to black and green. Those who know me have already seen these pictures and I will post them up later.

So we had a name and look, all we needed was music! I lived in a very small barracks room designed for one person. Space was limited but that didn't stop me from plugging in the guitar and wailing for days, trying to come up with Fratricide's sound. Rob came over anxious to see if I had come up with anything. At the time he didn't have a guitar rig so I was pretty much the primary music writer. I played him some riffs along with a drum machine I had. He immediately sat down and started writing lyrics. This was Rob's talent. Not only does this guy have a powerful set of vox on him, but he's an extremely talented lyric writer. What he produced was Bastards of the Battlefield. To this day I think this song has some of the most evil and powerful lyrics I have every seen or heard. I may be slightly biased though, but these lyrics are fucking brutal.

Rob and I were couped up in my barracks room for a couple of nights arranging the music for Bastards of the Battlefield. From searching the still fledgling Internet for sound clips to setting up the drum machine, bass, guitars, and vox to patch through my sad little 4-track recorder. We recorded several versions of Bastards... and finally settled with the one you can hear on our MySpace profile (visit http://www.myspace.com/fratricidemetal). During this time period, Rob and I also wrote two other dynamic songs called Prayers for an Apocalypse and Attention to Orders which we sat down and painstakingly wrote out.

But then the bad news came, Rob was leaving the Army and moving back to Ohio. It seemed as if what was destined to be the ultimate kvlt black metal would just fade back into the night. But he and I kept in touch and I continued to write. A song called Schwerpunkt was developed but the recording didn't turn out that well and frankly, it was a disorganized disaster. This was my first time writing Fratricide material without the other half of Fratricide! I still sent it on to Rob who then proceeded to write lyrics for it.

After wallowing in several cases of beer, I decided to jump back on the horse after several months. Inspiration hit after a visit to a Chinese restaurant. I opened a fortune cookie and the title of a song was staring me in the face, "No One Conquers Who Doesn't Fight". To me, that sounded war like and I'm guessing the actual fortune can be interpreted in several ways. I took it as "You will never conquer anything unless you actively stand up and fight." It affected me on numerous levels. On my way home, riff ideas were rushing through my head and that night I created the actual song No One Conquers Who Doesn't Fight. This was the song that made up for the travesty of Schwerpunkt and also reignited the Fratricide fire. After recording, I forwarded it on to Rob for lyrics.

Fast forward 8 years later (give or take a few months). I've kept Fratricide's spirit alive in various forms. From comedy, to small demos of our 4-track recordings, to websites. Rob and I are communicating once again after a long hiatus and we have decided to pursue and finish what we started so long ago.

Already he is practicing with session musicians in Ohio and I am building my strength back up on guitar. He has a recording studio, photo shoot, and all manner of things set-up. I've seen video of a practice session of Rob and the session drummer, Kellum (I believe that's his name) rocking out to Prayers for an Apocalypse and it sent chills down my spine. It looks like Rob has pulled together some extremely professional musicians and that's refreshing. Out of everything that's coming up with this demo, that's what I worry about the most. I'm hoping I can even keep with their caliber of expertise. We still haven't set a recording date but I hope it's soon.

In the Works: Abigail Screenplay

In the later part of 2006 I noticed a post on MySpace from a fellow metalhead and filmmaker by the name of Joel Wear. A talented director based out of Oregon, Joel was looking to find a screenwriter to collaborate with on a specific project. Namely, he was looking to put to film one of King Diamond's (a metal legend) spectacular concept albums. The album in question was Abigail, acknowledged by most metalheads as the ultimate King Diamond release.

Joel and I had known each other previously from the World Metal Alliance

It is the perfect combination. We both are rabid Kind Diamond fans, full blown metalheads, musicians, and filmmakers. Joel is the director. He has made a LOT of short films, finished a full-length called "Multiple" (check it out on IMDB) and is now working on another full-length titled "133".

Though I've really only made one (official) short film, my experience leans more towards screenwriting. I've gone to school for screenwriting, participated in contests, attended seminars, as well as finished several scripts to include: Age of the Dead (zombie splatter horror), Stitches (sci-fi), Last Four (comedy), and a drama/action period piece that remains untitled.

The process has been great as we both have been able to communicate our concerns clearly which has lead to a pretty damn good script thus far.

Currently I am still incorporating Joel's notes and some suggested scenes into the draft we have now. We are pretty much staying true to what King originally wrote. Drama wise, we have taken some liberties and added extra content that we feel will ratchet up the suspense more and give us a closer look into the lives of the main characters.

My official page count now is between 67-70 pages. We did have more but taking story and plot into account, some thing's just have to be cut and whittled away. Usually this happens after a first draft, but we are constantly going back and tweaking items. This isn't a bad thing and I'm glad we are doing it.

Stay tuned for more updates.

Grocery Bagging 101

Hear ye, hear ye all ne'er do well grocery baggers!

I'm a single man. That should be obvious. I have no life and I play a lot of video games. But single men grocery shop. And nnooo, we don't just buy beer, Cheeto's, and hot dogs (though those are still staples of my basic shopping list). Just like you regular folks who are married and have little miniature jerk versions of you running around, we singles have to eat, drink, and wipe our butts as well.



Bagging isn't rocket science. You can give a monkey the basic workings of bagging groceries and he'll still get it right 70% of the time (that percentage was derived from tireless scientific study and numerous attempts at replication). Unfortunately for the human race, that's a higher percentage than most teenage kids standing at the end of the check-out line asking "Paper or plastic?"



Let me just say that I believe I have a right to complain about this travesty. I consider myself a young man. Yes, I'm 28 (okay, maybe a TAD bit older) years old but think I'm pretty hip for my age. I mean, Dokken and Ratt are still pretty popular right? RIGHT?? Anyway, back in my day I had the pleasure of working in a supermarket in the heart of Lake County, Florida. I started in the fall of 1991 and worked myself up from part-time bagger (or Front Desk Courtesy Clerk as it’s called now), to part-time stockman, to full-time stockman until I ended my stint in 1995 and joined the Army. So when I talk about grocery baggers, I like to think I have a little street-cred.

There I was, a little punk metalhead finally working at my first real job. I was proud. I still continued to cut my grandmother’s lawn and do odd landscaping jobs in the neighborhood for extra cash, but now I was a working man! I remember my first paycheck. I spent all $34 of it on a guitar tablature book with a shitload of Megadeth tunes. It felt like the first thing I ever truly owned.

Bagging groceries isn’t a glamorous life. You’re often relegated to grocery cart duty which in my case, was spending 8 or 12 hours on the weekend out in the hot Florida sun rounding up carts that found themselves abandoned in the farthest corners of the blazing tarmac or across the goddamn street in the mall parking lot. We didn’t have those fancy cart corrals. Oh no, you had to carefully maneuver carts in between cars, praying that the car you just accidentally scraped wasn’t witnessed by anyone. I carried a box-cutter to threaten bystanders if they said anything. Man, I was a jerk. Still am actually! Also baggers are the janitors of the store. From cleaning nasty ass bathrooms, to sweeping, mopping, and cleaning up spills, it’s certainly not a job for the squeamish. Staying late to clean up the store after closing was a common occurrence for me. So what I’m saying is that I understand the hardships of this menial job.

What I don’t understand is this tendency of not caring for the customer. When I grocery shop and finally have to hit the check-out line, I like to try and set these kids up for success. Call me anal (that was rhetorical, please don't call me anal) but I place my groceries on the conveyer belt in a succinct order. If the cashier’s just there, then I’ll understand why she (or he) can’t exactly concentrate on if the cold should be separated from the dry. But when a bagger is there, that’s their job. They should be paying attention. As they watch my cases of Mountain Dew and Bud Light roll down to them, they automatically should know “These go straight into the cart.” BAM! Easy right? Suddenly here comes a mess of frozen burritos, pizza, TV dinners, hot dogs, milk, etc… Their minds should be processing “Okay, all of these are cold items. The person that graciously set this up wants plastic which makes this even easier. Thus, all cold items should be placed in plastic bags.” I know, I know. This is a “Duh” moment. You’d be surprised. Next comes any canned food and non-refrigerated drinks, then non-edible stuff like toilet paper, mildew cleaner, 20 packs of condoms (I buy 20 packs every time – I try to look studly and always give a wink to the cashier. One dude cashier kind of got weird, but everyone else was cool. In any case, I have a Costco surplus of condoms now).

I try not to watch this bagger. I like to think everything will turn out fine in the end. This kid is going to be that special bagger I’ve been dreaming of for so long. The one who separates cold from dry and non-edible from edible. The first thing I notice as I steer my cart out of the store is that several of the 12-packs of Mountain Dew I bought are conveniently placed in plastic bags. Okay, no big deal, I can easily remove the bags and continue on. At my car, as I load up my trunk (while keeping a strategically placed foot under my cart's wheel – the place looks flat but it must be on a goddamn hill since if I don’t do this it rolls away) I notice that a paper towel roll is in a bag by itself. “Curious” I think. Then the bombshell hits me - Formula 409 bathroom cleaner sits in the same bag as a pack of hotdogs. NNOOO!!! Blood starts simmering. I check other bags and find 3 cans of soup mixed in with my frozen burritos. Blood temperature rises. My pack of tomatoes and some lettuce are at least in a bag together but they also share space with some lightbulbs and matches! WTF??? Blood is boiling.

Quickly I load everything back into my cart and race into the store. I immediately address the store manager and inform him of the stupidity of his staff. I purposely set these dimwits up for success and they fail spectacularly every time. “What exactly do you manage?!” I exclaim and question at the same time. “Do you actually train people or do you just give the keys to the front door let them roam free like a pack of hyenas?” With a fury I dump my cart over spilling the contents onto the floor. Many of the staff look at me in confusion…and fear…yes…I see and smell fear. This is good. I find the bagger who was responsible and scream at him “Pick this shit up and try again buddy! We can stay here all day for all I care, but you’re gonna get this right. Yes, that’s it, that’s a package of frozen peas. Now which product would you bag with them wi- nope, nooo…that’s Glade Air-Freshener…no, that’s a can of chili but I’m proud, you’re learning. Chili is a food item. Okay, yes, you’re fine with sticking that in with the yogurt.” And on and on and on.

As I hold the store hostage, the police come and try to coax me out, but I’m not having it. It has been 12 hours and still this jackass hasn’t packed my groceries right. Eventually the supermarket is raided and I’m killed in a hail of bullets while holding a plastic bag in my right hand and a paper bag in the left. The customers cheer and I become a national hero. All grocery store chains immediately begin effective training programs where baggers all over the world become experts at what they do. A new era of pride in the workplace expands. Iran stops saber-rattling and Akchmasoudaninijad acknowledges that because a local Iranian grocer packed his bags correctly, he will cancel all nuclear ambitions and he apologizes for his Holocaust comments, etc...

Then I wake from my daydream, close the trunk of my car, ram the cart back into a corral, and leave happy in the knowledge that I don’t have to come back to this shithole for at least another 2 weeks.