Me, Hookers, and Gravehill: Part 3

Last weekend was a goddamn blur. Friday consisted of practice in the new Hellheim studio and Hellfiend, Bodybag, and myself wound up almost drinking the whole night away. Luckily I made it home early enough to where I could pass out for about three hours, wake up feeling like shit, and still manage to get it together and head down to Hollywood on Saturday night to play a free show. And of course more drinking and drug-use was had, both in the parking lot and inside. The Three Clubs was packed! There's nothing like playing a show where it's standing room only and there's barely enough stage space available to play (if you're lucky enough to even have a stage). Lightening Swords of Death and Destroyed in Seconds were crushingly powerful so it was hard to top those guys that night. I think we stepped up to the challenge barring the disaster of trying to play cover songs none of us have played in over a year. Sunday consisted of more drinking and carousing around Hollywood and I found myself back in Three Clubs drinking in the dimly lit shadows with several lovely young ladies. It's a hard knock life. Monday morning I paid dearly.

So yeah, let's see... I joined Gravehill, took a short vacation to England, and then began my work with them in earnest.

Know what I mean?

One of the stipulations on me joining was that I had to grow my hair out long. I had no problems with that and in fact I was planning on growing it out anyway. They just gave me the kick in the ass to get it started. Of course long hair doesn't grow overnight. Thorgrimm, Bodybag, and Zyklon all had long flowing locks and Abominator had his own bald look. So, in essence, if I went on stage with these guys, I'd be the only douche bag with a short, little-boy hair cut.

Actual douche pictured.

Well fuck that! If I was going to look like a douche bag, it was going to be a douche bag with his face covered up! I came up with the idea of the helmet as I was casually browsing a Medieval-porn themed website called "Wet Wenches Hungry for Anal Pillaging". It was a very niche porn site. And then I saw it. A rather dastardly looking metal helmet that looked evil as fuck. I brought the idea to the guys and they seemed to like it although I could sense a little hesitancy. Thorgrimm mentioned that instead of buying the metal helmet, I should look into the guy who crafted Gravehill's spiked gauntlets. Apparently he was a skilled leather craftsman and made a lot of armor sets for renaissance fairs and LARPers (that's Live Action Role Players for you non-nerds out there).


I contacted the guy and specifically designed the helmet. We went back and forth via email laying out the details and then he went to work. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't that expensive. While he worked on that, I scoured more Medieval-porn themed websites for armor. I submitted an order but unfortunately the armor was made in the UK and wouldn't arrive for several months. Until then I had to make do with what I had for my first gig which consisted of the helmet (which arrived only a week prior), two bullet belts, and spiked leg greeves and arm gauntlets. Looking back on it now, it did look rather silly without the armor to complete the whole image.

Why don't girls like me??

My first gig with Gravehill was the Watain show at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood, October 2008. Before the gig and before my first practice with them, I was learning a bunch of stuff by ear off of the EP which consisted of a whole 5 songs. Learning them WRONG I should say as I completely suck shit learning music by ear. I'm a very undisciplined musician and prefer all of my music to be presented to me on a silver platter, tabbed out, and ready to go. Oh, I also had a new bass which was large and unwieldy and I had to practice by myself wearing the fucking helmet while playing. Yes, I sat in my small closet of an apartment, alone, with a helmet on, and played bass. It was pretty sad. Sadder still is that I'm in a larger apartment now and still wear the helmet when I wash the dishes, play video games, drink alone, and masturbate.

I digress! Back to the Watain show! For a first go, it wasn't too bad. I wasn't nervous and was eagerly looking forward to hopping back out on stage. Backstage was a nightmare as Watain's rotting lamb heads permeated the air and it got so bad that several people were getting nauseous. Putting on the helmet for the first show felt weird and was extremely awkward. As we made our way to the stage, the horns kept getting hung up on curtains, hitting walls, and I poked some poor stagehand who was standing idly by. He's dead now.

We lit some incense for him.

But like I mentioned, it was an okay show. We played a few songs from Rites of the Pentagram which hadn't been released yet and there were a few diehards up front headbanging. Pretty much what you would expect from being one of the first openers of the night. Our stage presence was...well, there wasn't really any stage presence. Bodybag wowed the audience with his helicopter headbanging and Abominator impressed no one by calling the rest of the bands on the bill a bunch of faggots (the audience as well). If you can believe it, Abominator was much more of an asshole three years ago than he is today. I know, I know! Believe me, it's true. As for myself, I couldn't see what the hell I was playing. When I practiced at home, it was in regular light. On stage, there's a bunch of shit flashing, then red lights, then strobes, and so I spent most of the time concentrating, hoping I didn't fuck up. I blame it all on that helmet which I continuously wore up until, shit, early 2011!

Fresh off the stage and stuffed into an elevator
with four sweaty dudes. Rockstars!

Coming up next on Me, Hookers, and Gravehill: Part 4-Chicago, Milwaukee, a Basement, and Hair-covered Floors!